There are correct ways of doing things, and incorrect ways of doing things. Sometimes, people reasonably disagree about what the correct way is. Other times, it is entirely self-evident to anyone possessing a sound mind what the correct way is. We can regard that type of self-evident truth as a law - of nature, reality, whatever you want to call it. So anyway, one day I was washing dishes...
Some people put their dishes straight in the dishwasher after eating, and hit start. If you do this, I congratulate you on your zeal, your responsibility, and your functional dishwasher. Others are not so lucky. Instead of being able to do that, I have to handwash everything prior to putting it in my dishwasher because the 'people' that I live with, A) do not respect the chore arrangement, and B) do not wash off their dishes in the sink after using them. Because of this, I have to wash dishes with stuck on food every week. FML, but also... over my years of suffering through kitchen hell (say that again..) I've always felt like something was off... and now I've finally been able to nail it down. The inherent flaw in our reality. A loose thread in the fabric of space time. I can see it now - Newton (supposedly) had an apple fall on his head, and I put a plate in the dishwasher.
If you have an assorted pile of plates and bowls, the two most ubiquitous dishes, how do you stack them? There is only one correct answer, and I guaruntee that no one is getting this question wrong. You do it like this:
The plates go below, and the bowls go on top of the plates. This is simple. This is obvious. When stacking things, wider things go first. So before washing them, you should stack them in this manner and then place the stack in the sink. What about when loading the dishes? How do you order them? Again, there is only one correct answer:
Ignoring my terrible model of a dishwasher rack, we can see that plates go first, and bowls follow. So we've now established two indisputable facts. The problem arises from the transition between stacked dishes and loaded ones. Plates need to be put in first, but they're UNDER THE FUCKING BOWLS! The flaw in god's handiwork has never stared me down more directly. The natural order of things has perverted itself - logic itself has been subverted. What the hell am I supposed to do, when faced with such a blatant divine oversight? I need to load the plates first, but The Law Governing The Stacking Of Dishes forbids me, by implication, from doing anything except washing the bowls first.
Sane people would say to load them starting on the opposite end of the rack, leaving empty spots towards the back rather than the front. Or put the bowls in first, you fucking weirdo. I just can't accept these solutions, though. Never has something felt so viscerally unnatural to me - so I had to come up with a compromise. I wash the first bowl, and with the knowledge of how many plates must eventually precede it, place it accordingly in the rack. The rest of the bowls can follow it, and then the plates can be installed in their rightful posts behind them. I guess I really am just putting the bowls in first, but at least I'm not placing them at the back of the rack, and then putting the plates after them. GOD FUCK!!!!! This isn't a solution at all! It's a terrible coping mechanism, an attempt at saving my sanity from its exposure to the gaping hole in the continuum of our existance!
The only way I can possibly hope to go on living without entering an asylum and a straitjacket from now on is to destroy all dishes and dishwashers. I must erase this concept from existance, and delete it wholly from the human conscience. I must do god's work, literally. That which he neglected to consider in his seemingly NOT perfect plan. I shall save us. All hail me, BRB while I summon the chainsaw devil and have it eat dishwashers.
FUCK CHORES. AND ALL THE OTHER TEDIOUS BULLSHIT IN LIFE.
Am I lying to myself? Would it really make me happy if I never had to do chores ever again? If I never had to get my hands dirty? I'm honestly unsure. Part of me does feel as if I am telling myself a lie. It isn't the lack of pain in life which creates or adds to its wonder - it's the contrast between the good and the bad which allows you to appreciate the good. "No light without darkness", or whatever they (don't) say. As Viktor Frankl said, and I'm paraphrasing, pain functions like a gas - it expands to fill its container, with no set volume deriving from its quantity. Pain is relative, and no matter how much or how little of it presents itself to you, it will diffuse to fill your soul entirely. Or rather, it can. Wash the dishes.
Actually no, that's ridiculous. I'd be SO happy if I had a bunch of servants doing my chores for me. Never having to do laundry again would be heavenly. The only thing I have to do now is get rich enough...